Best Toy in the World

Old Crib Mattress

Put one of these in front of your couch and let the kids go nuts.  Ours started as a safety net when the twins were babies.  Now they jump off the couch on purpose.  It's a trampoline, a nest, the roof of a fort.  Our 6 yr old comes home from school and heads right to the mattress to jump out all his pent up energy. 

We added an old ottoman/storage bench and this place is better than Gymboree. It's great for parents who find taking toddler twins to the playground both mentally draining and mortally dangerous.

Note: Target sells cheap crib sheets in colors like "cream" and "chocolate" to match your living room decor.  "Chocolate", more commonly know as brown, doesn't show dirt.

"There is more than one type of good mother."

          - Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham

Parental Tip # 7

Try not to lock yourself out of the house when your six-year-old is mad at you.

Kitchen Sink

My friend humorously refers to our home as a gated community, referring to the number of safety gates we have placed strategically throughout the house in order to keep our children alive and also to maintain a shred of sanity.  Last night we experimented with removing the gate to the kitchen, in hopes that our toddler twins had matured to the point of handling themselves amongst the knives and burners. 

However, Saturday morning I left all three kids with my husband in order to attend a very indulgent and necessary exercise class.  As the story goes, he had left them alone for exactly two minutes when he heard the kitchen faucet running.  Strange, as they are 18 months old and all of two feet tall.  Yet, he entered the kitchen to find that Alfie had climbed into the sink and was happily running water and standing in a pan of dirty dish water.  As far as we can tell, he and Bea shoved a kiddie chair up to the counter, and Alfie climbed the back of it like a latter and heaved himself into the sink. 

Seeing as this incident was in addition to Alfie turning on the gas and opening the oven door, we have since replaced the safety gates and the kitchen remains off limits for an undetermined amount of time. 

Living with three kids is like running a hotel that caters to rock stars.  No matter how much you clean, the place is always trashed by the end of the day.

The Power Nap Head Pillow

Available at Hammacher Schlemmer for $99.95

I haven't figured it out yet but there must be a parental use for this product.

I

New Guy

OH NO!  There's a new waiter at one of our favorite family restaurants and he is not patient, efficient or humorous!
This is terrible! 
This is devastating! 
This is screwing with our relief fund (otherwise known as the money we spend eating out in order to avoid marriage counseling.)

Don't get me wrong - my husband and I love to cook which is exactly why, with twin toddlers and a six-year-old, we don't.  If Eric cooks, he produces a delicious meal that some of us get to eat before bed and others eat standing up over the sink.  Not to mention the mountain  of pots and pans we face after everyone is tucked in for the night and we are nearly comatose.  Did I mention that we do not own a dishwasher? 

If I cook, everything goes well until it's almost cooked then I get distracted changing explosive diapers or saving someone from imminent danger.  By the time everyone is safe and clean, dinner is burned.

So, for now, we enjoy a lot of take-out or frequent a handful of family friendly restaurants that specialize in excellent beer. 

The great thing about a seven o'clock bedtime is that you almost always make the Happy Hour at your favorite restaurant/beer garden.  Thanks, kids!

But tonight everything went wrong.  Bea decided to jump on her bed for an hour instead of take her nap, Joe Frank chose to fast for most of the day causing extreme grumpiness, and Alfie got jarred from his peaceful afternoon slumber in order to make Happy Hour at favorite restaurant/ beer garden. 

Seeking sweet relief via beer and table service, we arrived at favorite restaurant/ beer garden only to discover a replacement for our usual beloved waiter.  I would say we were "greeted" by a new waiter but this New Guy did not greet us in any sense of the word.  Instead, he demanded to see our IDs.

What!?  We are 38, have three kids climbing all over us, AND WE COME HERE TWICE A WEEK!

That's okay, that's okay..... he's new and he doesn't want to get in trouble.

After verifying our obvious maturity, he takes our drink order. 
This is incorrect protocol.  First, he should have brought some highchairs. 

Instead of bringing high chairs, he ignores us for fifteen minutes. 
This is also incorrect.  I can understand why he would shy away from a table full of kids but the better strategy is get-em-fed-and-get-em-out.

Mistake number three is bringing the big bowl of fries before the big bowl of salad, specifically requested in a particular order because our kids will not eat salad after fries.  They have to be a little bit starved to eat the salad, which is what they are when they get to the restaurant.  SO BRING THE SALAD FIRST, NEW GUY, LIKE I ASKED!

By the time the main food arrives with no forks or plates, the kids had O.D.ed on fries and it is time to get outta there. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm fully sympathetic to people starting new jobs but my advice is be friendly and don't avoid the table with all the kids.  They tip really well!

Good luck New Guy. 

F@#K

Tonight my husband and I overheard our six-year-old happily singing in the bathtub.
The catchy little tune went like this:

"The F word is fuck.  Fuck, fuck, fuck".

I won't lie.  He's heard the word "fuck" from me on more than one occasion.  But I have never referred to it as "the F word" so clearly tonight's diddy was learned on the playground and was no fault of mine.

Daily Life with Toddler

Just a short email from our nanny, which sums up a typical afternoon:

Hi,

I left Alf to air his bottom for a few minutes and he pooped on the carpet.

sorry about this!!!

the book i left by the sink needs to be disinfected, i forgot to do so,

pls leave it in a plastic bag and i will take care of it tomorrow.

Thanks

 

 

Parental Tip #6

NEVER feed spaghetti to toddlers. 

 

Parental Confession #13

Alfie drank some rain water today.  I didn't see him do it but the empty flower pot and the silt mustache gave him away. 

DIY Angry Bird Pinata

Dip strips of newspaper in a mixture of flour and water.  Cover a balloon with the wet strips like you're creating a mummy.

When the newspaper is dry, make another solution of water and Elmer's glue.  Dip strips of tissue paper in the mixture and apply them to the pinata. 

Cut features out of construction paper and use glue and tape to adhere to pinata.  Cut a hole in the top and fill with goodies.  Use a wire coat hanger to hang.

Now that the work of art is complete, let kids beat the crap out of it with a stick.

The carnage.

Letters to Grandma

When I was a kid, one of the most famous people in my life was my Grandma Bea.  I lived for the week each summer that my sister and I spent at her house.  She made us peanut butter and butter sandwiches, took us to the park, played UNO like a champ, and let us watch cable TV.  It was Grandma Bea who taught me to sew and knit.  She also instilled in me the value of a clutter-free home (partly why Grandma's house felt like a spa to us grandchildren.)

In between my visits with Grandma Bea, we wrote letters.  I began each letter with "Dear Grandma, How are you?  I am fine", a salutation that I find myself using to this day.  For each letter I wrote to Grandma, I eagerly looked forward to receiving one in return, on time, within the week.

These days, letter writing is becoming a thing of the past.  In fact, just this week I spoke to Grandma Bea via Facetime on my iPhone  (no, Grandma does not have an iPhone.  In fact, she loathes her answering machine.  However, she does seem to believe in science fiction so she allowed my dad to share his technology the other day).  In an attempt to educate children about systems of the past, my son's school is studying the postal service.  The students are enjoying writing letters and mailing them to one another via the inter-school postal system.  Seizing the opportunity, I asked Joe Frank if he would like to write a letter to Great Grandma Bea.  And so, I pass the torch: